Sunday, March 14, 2010

Kill 'em with kindness

There’s a term that has been advised to me by many. That term, is “kill them with kindness.” As my father explained it, I am to respond to the anger of others with the utmost of kindness. I am to, as they say, “Be the bigger person.”

Well, in my life I have never had a problem being “bigger” than everyone else. But when it comes to not reacting to derogatory actions, I am the bottom of the barrel. I attribute my quick reactions to the abuse I endured through my school years. The taunting and ridicule from my class mates has programed me to be in constant defense mode. I am constantly prepared to justify my actions. Because deep down, I am always sure I've done something wrong. When I was young, I always felt that my birth way my biggest sin. That I, by being born, had caused a shift in the way the world was supposed to function. My birth alone, was the cause of catastrophic events. How foolish I was, and still am, to allow myself to break apart my self worth as a human being. It is because of my own set convictions that I will often find myself head to head for reasons, I should walk away from.

For reasons unknown I have allowed myself to often been used a door mat for other people’s emotions. This has been an attribution to my uneven moods. I have always been excessively sensitive. As a child, it didn’t take much to make me burst into sobs, These sobs became more spermatic as I grew, and now are completely unpredictable. Because I am so easily distraught, nothing kills me more, then to have someone angry with me. This is not a good trait for a stage manager to have. For the past month, I have been the punching bag for everyone’s stress and insecurities. I always want to protect people. I have always wanted fix problems and be the mother to everyone. So of course now, I am in a state of emotional exhaustion. I’ve become angry and exasperated, like an open wound.

This morning when i explained my frustration to my father, said, “The meaner they are, the nicer you become.” I would hardly admit it to him, but the man has a point. He said it’s a sort of guilt tripping. Making the other person feel bad for their unnecessary anger. So, for perhaps the first time in my life, I am setting out to test his theory. So far, I have remained calm, I have recited the words, and remembered that sometime, somewhere at then end of this tunnel, I will prosper. I will, someday, come out on top. The hardest part is remembering that, and trying to push my urge for instant gratification to the back. But, it all has to be happening for a reason, right?