Sunday, March 14, 2010

Kill 'em with kindness

There’s a term that has been advised to me by many. That term, is “kill them with kindness.” As my father explained it, I am to respond to the anger of others with the utmost of kindness. I am to, as they say, “Be the bigger person.”

Well, in my life I have never had a problem being “bigger” than everyone else. But when it comes to not reacting to derogatory actions, I am the bottom of the barrel. I attribute my quick reactions to the abuse I endured through my school years. The taunting and ridicule from my class mates has programed me to be in constant defense mode. I am constantly prepared to justify my actions. Because deep down, I am always sure I've done something wrong. When I was young, I always felt that my birth way my biggest sin. That I, by being born, had caused a shift in the way the world was supposed to function. My birth alone, was the cause of catastrophic events. How foolish I was, and still am, to allow myself to break apart my self worth as a human being. It is because of my own set convictions that I will often find myself head to head for reasons, I should walk away from.

For reasons unknown I have allowed myself to often been used a door mat for other people’s emotions. This has been an attribution to my uneven moods. I have always been excessively sensitive. As a child, it didn’t take much to make me burst into sobs, These sobs became more spermatic as I grew, and now are completely unpredictable. Because I am so easily distraught, nothing kills me more, then to have someone angry with me. This is not a good trait for a stage manager to have. For the past month, I have been the punching bag for everyone’s stress and insecurities. I always want to protect people. I have always wanted fix problems and be the mother to everyone. So of course now, I am in a state of emotional exhaustion. I’ve become angry and exasperated, like an open wound.

This morning when i explained my frustration to my father, said, “The meaner they are, the nicer you become.” I would hardly admit it to him, but the man has a point. He said it’s a sort of guilt tripping. Making the other person feel bad for their unnecessary anger. So, for perhaps the first time in my life, I am setting out to test his theory. So far, I have remained calm, I have recited the words, and remembered that sometime, somewhere at then end of this tunnel, I will prosper. I will, someday, come out on top. The hardest part is remembering that, and trying to push my urge for instant gratification to the back. But, it all has to be happening for a reason, right?

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

What do you want to be?

Sometimes I think i would trade all of my skills and talents just to be beautiful. The kind of big eyed long lashed beautiful. The one that has people stopping to smile. Sometimes I wish I could be one of those girls that people were so flattered to be around, so pleased to talk to. I want to be that girl. I would never really say out loud, let alone admit that i wouldn’t MIND being a sex goddess. I wouldn’t dare think that I would actually set out to do it. But I have to come to terms with the fact that it does exist in my mind. I DO want to be admired and perhaps above all else. I, in fact do wish to be a sex goddess. Or at least a goddess of some sorts. Just something above what I am now.

I wonder if i could set out to re create myself as someone new. I wonder if i could even keep a pledge to myself. Or if the whole mission would turn faded in mere weeks. I guess there’s no harm in trying!

Now for the first part.... What is a sex goddess, and what do they do? That, is beyond my knowledge. So far, I’m not off to a good start. I think it has something to do with being attractive and having control over those around you. By those of course mean men and lesbians. Perhaps the ability to evoke emotions of jealousy in other women. So far I don’t have any skills in this department. I wonder if you could go to the store and buy said abilities... I really doubt, but perhaps i should look. I feel an internet search coming on.

Okay so you can’t buy a magic potion that will make you a sex goddess... I should have figured it wouldn’t be this easy. But, there are tools to assist in the transformation. Push up bras, short skirts, heels that are comparable to buildings. I know I have a push up bra somewhere... Short skirts... well if you saw me you’d know that’s just not a good idea. And heels, I have, but do i really want to risk my feet? Okay okay this is NOT sex goddess way of thinking! Perhaps I shall wear my tallest heels, biggest boobs and most scandalous outfit. Just to see what happens.

Be a sex Goddess has a lot to do with beauty products as well. I am well equipped with the face enhancers, if i do say so myself. I have a small fortune of make up. Estimated at over $300. Now there’s a good sign. I know how to transform my face. Now it’s the body I have to work on. I’ve gone years fighting an uphill battle with bingeing and purging. Perhaps it’s time I just stop Bingeing. I mean If you think about it, you never see girls like Billie Piper eating. That’s just not how it works. And sleeping is a must, but i think being a sex goddess has something to do with... you know... sex. I don’t much like that aspect. It’s really not me... then again this is about changing me. But do I really want to give up my morals just to be considered attractive?

I think our people have a very strange image of what it is to be sexy, and desired. It’s all so extreme. You’re either a sex goddess or a prude. A boy or a girl. We are taught to look at everything as black or white. But the truth is, it isn’t. There are no boys or girls. Both genders dabble in the others roles. And maybe that’s the way it should be. What happened to just being what we feel is real. It’s not that anyone is stopping you from being yourself, but they are judging you from behind. Being sexy and attractive isn’t black and white. We shouldn’t have to choose between being smart and being seductive. And there shouldn’t be ridicule when we decide it’s possible to be both. So why is there an ever speaking “They”? why do “They” dictate what we do? why, are we living our lives for “They”? Is it even possible to live for ourselves anymore? Has the media raped us of our sense of self, and the fulfillment that comes from the truth?

I feel that all we do what we do for the approval and happiness of the people that really matter. And each of us lies to ourselves saying that we appreciate when others are a honest “themselves”, but secretly, we spend all of our times judging each other. With judgment there is the absence of sensitivity. And thus begins the vicious cycle of inter human abuse.

So I now see that I really don’t want to be a sex goddess. Because that’s not who I am. If you are a sex goddess, then I applaud you. Perhaps envy, but It is our own battles to fight, coming to terms with who we are not, as well as who we are.

My name is Theodora, and right now I’m not a sex goddess, but I am an artist, an advocate and myself